Lecture Outline for April 27, 2000
Break Ups


I. Stages of Breaking Up

• A. Denial and Disillusionment
  
  
• B. Erosion and Anger
  
  
• C. Bargaining
  
  
• D. Detachment
  
  
• E. Separation
  
  1. Preknowledge
  2. Mutual vs. Single
  3. Gender
     
  
  
• F. Attempted Recovery
  
  
• G. Mourning
  
  
• H. Restructuring
  
  
• I. Acceptance
  
  
  

II. Why people break up (correlates)

• A. The four deadly sins
  
  1. Criticism
  2. Contempt
  3. Defensiveness
  4. Stonewalling
     
  
  
  
  
• B. Alternate sources of satisfaction
  
  
• C. Decrease in satisfaction and commitment
  
  
• D. Communication
  
  1. Heavy talk
  2. Meta-talk
  3. Strong positive and negative reactions to partner
  4. Inability to influence
  5. Unfair fighting
  6. If-then statements
     
  
  
  
  
• E. Judgements
  
  1. Win-lose attitude
  2. Quid pro quo
  3. "We will never agree": Agree to disagree
  4. "It's hopeless": Unwilling to repair
     
  
  
  
  
• F. Withdrawal
  
  
  

III. Coping with Break-ups

• A. Initially
  
  1. Do not avoid emotions
  2. Avoid reminders
  3. Develop a support group
  4. Avoid dysfunctional behaviors
     
  
  
• B. In the middle stages
  
  1. Learn from experience
  2. Assume some role
  3. Create a "script"
     
  
  
• C. Finally
  
  1. Recast as an opportunity
  2. Be careful not to move into another relationship too soon!
     
  
  
  
  
  

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