First-Year Student Journals : Andi : Journal 9

Andi sits outside at a coffee shop on Guadalupe

Andi's blue Adidas Santiosage flip-flops

Andi works in the photo lab at The Daily Texan, she holds a film reel in the dark room

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“I just don’t know what I’m supposed to be.”

“You’ll figure that out. The more you know who you are, and what you want, the less you let things upset you.”

—“Lost in Translation”

Too much has happened in the last few weeks for my own words to explain. No one is the same coming out of the first year of college. And it’s not because you “find yourself” or “understand more about life.” In fact, it might be the exact opposite. It’s because almost everything you’ve known has been challenged in one way or another. The rest of it comes with making your peace with that, if you can. Or if not, learning to at least live with it until the time comes when you will understand.

If anything, I’ve realized that we all know, deep down, that eventually everything will be okay. Be it a failed exam, a conflict with a professor, a challenged friendship, a strained relationship. Even if it doesn’t turn out the way you want it to, it turns out a certain way for a certain reason. While we all know that, it doesn’t make whatever happens until then any easier. I’ve learned that saying, “It’ll be okay,” is important. At the same time, what’s more important is that it isn’t okay at first, but that you will be there no matter what.

The rest of the wisdom is better credited to its sources. So, with their permission, I bring you the words of those who have also learned a thing or two from their freshman years.

“Okay. So take your test, take your week. Go make out with whomever you need to or break someone’s heart. Move to Ireland and find yourself. I’ll be here.” —Ryan Harvey, University of Texas at Austin freshman

“Maybe it’s just the sudden downpour of snow that pulls me down with it. The sun falters for just a minute, but in the shadows I’m already disoriented. I’ve lost sight of my purpose and drive and I doubt what was there before. I just want to sit down for a second and orient myself, but I’m afraid to stop moving because I’ll just fall even more behind. Maybe it’s because I feel all control slipping from my fingers. I’m up, I’m down. I’m reckless and confused, but I’m good. Life will always be uncertain, and perhaps my mistake was trying to crystallize-form-recreate it into something compact, convenient, bite-sized. I seek quick answers but the picture is bigger. So for now I work. I play. I grieve. I pray. I love. I search. And later on, I will sleep.” —Jessica Huang, Harvard University freshman

“When I awoke, it was in me, the beauty of the snow, and I wasn’t sad because, even though spring had leapt away again (hiding under six inches of cold memories), I knew that it would be okay. I knew that it would melt. The earth would drink the cold memories because spring always comes, and it will always be okay. Seasons can teach you things, but you have to listen, you know? And so today I noticed that the squirrel with snow on his whiskers was a miracle, and that the branches of all the trees that I usually ignore were reaching up to worship and then the whole world was a blessing and everything was more than okay, and now I feel like crying from the beauty that is everywhere, because sometimes it just catches you off guard like when the wind changes and you are standing there and your hair suddenly blows into your eyes and your ears are full of the sounds.” —Katherine Todd-Thompson, Macalaster College freshman

“I think that I’ve matured since the beginning of this school year. Looking back, I’ve realized that I’ve struggled with tough times, and I did not necessarily deal with situations or my feelings in the most constructive manner. But now, I can see that I’ve changed. The self-destructive feelings and thoughts in response to adversity are not as powerful and overwhelming, and just the fact that my mind can deal with this situation.” —Shelly Tang, Southwestern University freshman

“I went to the top of the Jester parking garage and sat there for at least an hour just looking at the moon. It was wonderful. There was this huge ring around it and inside this gigantic ring was this single star shinning brightly against a charcoal sky. It somehow made me feel small again and reminded me that I was this itty-bitty girl in this vast universe waiting to be explored. I don’t know, but somehow, I liked the feeling—the feeling that there is indeed something beautiful out there just waiting for me to discover it and value it for all it’s worth.” —Jessica Pan, University of Texas at Austin freshman

“Kindergartners are the best people in the whole world. I taught a class of them today and one of them said, ‘I love you, will you be my best friend?’ So we are supposed to teach them about oceanography. We played Crab Crab Shark (Duck Duck Goose) and it was the greatest experience ever. This little girl named Chloe was sitting next to me during Crab Crab Shark, and she was getting upset because no one had tagged her yet, and I reassured her that someone would. Then this girl Kelsea got tagged and started going around, and Chloe perked up and whispered to me, ‘Kelsea will tag me, she has to, she's my best friend.’ And lo and behold, Kelsea tagged her.” —Elana Clift, University of Southern California freshman

“There will always be that doubt, binding me to pessimism and faithlessness and fear. But in the end, the brighter the light burns, the darker its shadow will creep. I can’t live behind this fear anymore. The walls are coming down. Enough hiding. Enough cowering. Enough running away at the sign of doubt. It’s beautiful, this life business.” —Teena Xu, University of Texas at Austin freshman

“College is all about chocolate chip pancakes and learning to get along with your roommate.” —Nancy Pattyn, Rice University freshman

We’re all so bent on conclusions, resolutions that sometimes we forget how grand and important the struggle and search for the truth is. I want to tell you that everything is beautiful. That all you have to do is have faith, let go, let yourself truly feel in the deepest part of your heart that you don’t care what happens because you'll be happy regardless. But I don’t know that for sure, really. It’s just what keeps me going. I guess you have to figure out for yourself what will keep you going. Then keep on going, because the harder things are, the better they turn out in the end.

Send an e-mail message to Andi.



	Andi \| Profile \| Reflections \| Journals: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 Home
	“I just don’t know what I’m supposed to be.” “You’ll figure that out. The more you know who you are, and what you want, the less you let things upset you.” —“Lost in Translation” Too much has happened in the last few weeks for my own words to explain. No one is the same coming out of the first year of college. And it’s not because you “find yourself” or “understand more about life.” In fact, it might be the exact opposite. It’s because almost everything you’ve known has been challenged in one way or another. The rest of it comes with making your peace with that, if you can. Or if not, learning to at least live with it until the time comes when you will understand. If anything, I’ve realized that we all know, deep down, that eventually everything will be okay. Be it a failed exam, a conflict with a professor, a challenged friendship, a strained relationship. Even if it doesn’t turn out the way you want it to, it turns out a certain way for a certain reason. While we all know that, it doesn’t make whatever happens until then any easier. I’ve learned that saying, “It’ll be okay,” is important. At the same time, what’s more important is that it isn’t okay at first, but that you will be there no matter what. The rest of the wisdom is better credited to its sources. So, with their permission, I bring you the words of those who have also learned a thing or two from their freshman years. “Okay. So take your test, take your week. Go make out with whomever you need to or break someone’s heart. Move to Ireland and find yourself. I’ll be here.” —Ryan Harvey, University of Texas at Austin freshman “Maybe it’s just the sudden downpour of snow that pulls me down with it. The sun falters for just a minute, but in the shadows I’m already disoriented. I’ve lost sight of my purpose and drive and I doubt what was there before. I just want to sit down for a second and orient myself, but I’m afraid to stop moving because I’ll just fall even more behind. Maybe it’s because I feel all control slipping from my fingers. I’m up, I’m down. I’m reckless and confused, but I’m good. Life will always be uncertain, and perhaps my mistake was trying to crystallize-form-recreate it into something compact, convenient, bite-sized. I seek quick answers but the picture is bigger. So for now I work. I play. I grieve. I pray. I love. I search. And later on, I will sleep.” —Jessica Huang, Harvard University freshman “When I awoke, it was in me, the beauty of the snow, and I wasn’t sad because, even though spring had leapt away again (hiding under six inches of cold memories), I knew that it would be okay. I knew that it would melt. The earth would drink the cold memories because spring always comes, and it will always be okay. Seasons can teach you things, but you have to listen, you know? And so today I noticed that the squirrel with snow on his whiskers was a miracle, and that the branches of all the trees that I usually ignore were reaching up to worship and then the whole world was a blessing and everything was more than okay, and now I feel like crying from the beauty that is everywhere, because sometimes it just catches you off guard like when the wind changes and you are standing there and your hair suddenly blows into your eyes and your ears are full of the sounds.” —Katherine Todd-Thompson, Macalaster College freshman “I think that I’ve matured since the beginning of this school year. Looking back, I’ve realized that I’ve struggled with tough times, and I did not necessarily deal with situations or my feelings in the most constructive manner. But now, I can see that I’ve changed. The self-destructive feelings and thoughts in response to adversity are not as powerful and overwhelming, and just the fact that my mind can deal with this situation.” —Shelly Tang, Southwestern University freshman “I went to the top of the Jester parking garage and sat there for at least an hour just looking at the moon. It was wonderful. There was this huge ring around it and inside this gigantic ring was this single star shinning brightly against a charcoal sky. It somehow made me feel small again and reminded me that I was this itty-bitty girl in this vast universe waiting to be explored. I don’t know, but somehow, I liked the feeling—the feeling that there is indeed something beautiful out there just waiting for me to discover it and value it for all it’s worth.” —Jessica Pan, University of Texas at Austin freshman “Kindergartners are the best people in the whole world. I taught a class of them today and one of them said, ‘I love you, will you be my best friend?’ So we are supposed to teach them about oceanography. We played Crab Crab Shark (Duck Duck Goose) and it was the greatest experience ever. This little girl named Chloe was sitting next to me during Crab Crab Shark, and she was getting upset because no one had tagged her yet, and I reassured her that someone would. Then this girl Kelsea got tagged and started going around, and Chloe perked up and whispered to me, ‘Kelsea will tag me, she has to, she's my best friend.’ And lo and behold, Kelsea tagged her.” —Elana Clift, University of Southern California freshman “There will always be that doubt, binding me to pessimism and faithlessness and fear. But in the end, the brighter the light burns, the darker its shadow will creep. I can’t live behind this fear anymore. The walls are coming down. Enough hiding. Enough cowering. Enough running away at the sign of doubt. It’s beautiful, this life business.” —Teena Xu, University of Texas at Austin freshman “College is all about chocolate chip pancakes and learning to get along with your roommate.” —Nancy Pattyn, Rice University freshman We’re all so bent on conclusions, resolutions that sometimes we forget how grand and important the struggle and search for the truth is. I want to tell you that everything is beautiful. That all you have to do is have faith, let go, let yourself truly feel in the deepest part of your heart that you don’t care what happens because you'll be happy regardless. But I don’t know that for sure, really. It’s just what keeps me going. I guess you have to figure out for yourself what will keep you going. Then keep on going, because the harder things are, the better they turn out in the end. Send an e-mail message to Andi.