10 November 2003
“Someday I’ll fly. Someday I’ll
soar. Someday I’ll be so damn much more. ’Cause I’m
bigger than my body gives me credit for.”
—John Mayer, “Bigger
Than My Body”
When I walk past the Tower at
dusk, that’s how I feel. I feel like I can do anything. Because
I have my whole life ahead of me. I don’t know why the Tower
evokes these feelings. Maybe it’s because it’s so big.
I don’t know. But I love the way it feels to walk around
campus in the evening. I don’t ever want to forget that feeling.
my friend Hab brought to my attention a scary fact. Our lives are
constantly being turned into memories. This terrifies
me. Because people get older, and people forget. I don’t
want to forget. And I know there are things that I will never forget.
I’ll never forget my first kiss, my first crush, my first
broken heart, my first job, my first car. But I will forget other
less important things. I will someday forget what it feels like
to walk the halls of my high school as a student. I will forget
what it feels like to be too young to do things. I will forget
what it feels like to walk through campus at dusk knowing that
I have the rest of my life ahead of me. I hate that I will forget.
That is why I write things down. That is why I journal. But I don’t
write everything down. And even the things that I do write down
are not safe from the corruption of time. Pieces of paper get destroyed,
discarded or lost. Journals are forgotten. Quick little notes jotted
down lose their significance.
Already there are things about
high school that I am forgetting.
So is there a moral to this
rant? Is there some deep and profound insight that I can give to
Not at all. I’m just saying
that life is a beautiful thing. I want to soak it all in. I want
to enjoy every single moment. And I want it to be like watching
a video. I want to rewind to the parts that I didn’t understand.
I want to watch my favorites over and over again. I want to get
to the point where I can quote back every line….
Alas, I cannot.
So I’ll just have to enjoy it as it happens
29 September 2003
“They say goldfish have no memories.
I guess their lives are much like mine, and the little plastic
castle is a surprise every time.
And it’s hard to say if they’re happy, but they don’t
seem much to mind.”
These are my little plastic
castles, the things that make me super happy no matter how often
they happen or how used to them I have
Really amazingly simple things that mean the world to you when
you go away to college:
1. Phone calls from your friends
Some of the
same people have been calling me every day for the past six years
or so, and when I was at home, I must admit, sometimes
I lied and said I couldn’t talk simply because I had nothing
at all to say to them. Now I get super excited EVERY time my cell
phone rings, regardless of who’s on the other end.
Messages from friends when you’ve
put up an away message…that’s
3. Real food
There are only so many times
I can eat the same exact salad or chicken strips. I would give
just about anything for roast beef
and mashed potatoes and gravy or my dad’s spaghetti.
My dorm room is obscenely hot EVERY night.
Roommate and I can’t
figure out just why it gets so warm each night, but it’s
rather obnoxious. I like to sleep in a cold room. And I like
the sound my fan at home makes.
Okay, so maybe I’m just weird,
but I’ve never in my
life lived without a pet. I’m seriously considering catching
a squirrel just so that I can have something to pet and play
with in my dorm room.
6. Someone else doing your laundry
it’s quite possibly the nicest thing a roommate can
7. A kitchen
Okay, so lots of people live
in apartments and they have the amenities of a stove and a toaster
and such, but here in the dorm, we don’t
have that luxury. Pizza Rolls just aren’t the same when
you microwave them instead of bake them.
Roommates make it difficult to
have a bad day. It’s not fair
to be fussy or mean when someone else has to put up with you. You
can’t exactly lock yourself away in your room for the safety
of others when those others live in that same room with you.
Familiar grocery stores
The Albertson’s here is arranged
Sure, it was always cool to get
real mail, but it’s more
cool when you have your own mailbox to check. I check ours everyday,
and I always feel like a really big loser when I go check it and
there’s nothing there.
11. The right kind of juice
have the kind I like, sometimes they don’t.
It’s always such a big disappointment when they don’t.
Being able to sit up at night with the lights on
goes to bed first, then it’s work by the bluish
light from the computer screen.
13. Driving places
Man, walking sucks.
14. Visits from your friends
one friend come up so far...the very best friend in the entire
world…yay, Shellie! And though I’m beginning
to see it’s foolish, I still hold out hope that some of
my other friends will take the seven-hour drive someday. Seven
on, that’s nothing.
15. Dry clothes
The dryers here rip you off
big time. They dry your clothes for an entire hour, a whole hour
for a measly 75 cents. Except the
clothes NEVER come out dry, so you have to spend another 75 cents.
15 September 2003
make you think a thought. Music makes you feel a feeling. A
song makes you feel
I adore music. I never ever ever sit in my
room without having either my computer or my stereo sing to me.
is amazing. I mean, don’t you love
how no matter what kind of mood you’re in you can find some song where
the singer apparently knows exactly how you feel and what you’re going
through? So perhaps my fellow Web journalists will be more creative. Maybe they’ll
put up some of their own writing or do something else amazingly cool that I will
copy off of next time. But for now, this is all I’ve got. So here it is…the
song of the day…the song of the month…all my friends back home know
which one I’m going to pick…but it’s very appropriate…for
away to college that is…
“The Scientist” by Coldplay
to meet you,
Tell you I'm sorry.
You don't know how lovely you are.
I had to find you,
Tell you I need you,
Tell you I set you apart.
Tell me your secrets,
And ask me your questions.
Oh let’s go back to the start.
Running in circles.
Coming up tails.
Heads on a silence apart.
Nobody said it was easy.
It’s such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy.
No one ever said it would be this hard.
Oh take me back to the start.
I was just guessing
At numbers and figures…
Pulling your puzzles apart.
Questions of science,
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart.
Tell me you love me.
Come back and haunt me.
Oh and I rush to the start.
Running in circles.
Chasing our tails.
Coming back as we are.
Nobody said it was easy.
Oh it’s such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy.
No one ever said it would be so hard.
I’m going back to the
I know, I know…it’s amazing.
And here’s how
it applies to this whole going off to college thing…this
is why it played on loop over and over
again in the first few days that I was living here…
The first verse…“I
had to find you, tell you I need you, tell you I
set you apart.” Senior year is all about this…finally getting around
to realizing that you love your friends and you should probably tell them.
In the few weeks just before I left for college, I found myself doing a lot
every opportunity to tell my friends just how fantastic they were, just how
much I loved them. It’s amazing how much time I wasted with them…how
it took me leaving them to tell them that I adored them.
“Oh let’s go back to the start”…So
he wants to go back…and so do I…in this case, back to high
school. Freshman year was not that long
Think about how much you changed over the course of high school. Think about
all the people you met. Think about how much cooler those people helped you
to become. I wouldn’t mind doing that over again.
And then, if I can’t
have high school back, then why not the summer? Why not the greatest three
months of my life ever? Why can’t I just do that
over again? I don’t want to change any of it…I just want to re-live
all of it.
And then the chorus…“Nobody said
it was easy. Oh it’s
such a shame for us to part. Nobody said it was easy. No one ever said
it would be so hard.” Isn’t
that the truth? No one told me leaving behind everything I knew was going
to be easy. But no one warned me about how hard it was going to be either.
it wouldn’t be a big deal at all. But people come into your life
whom you want to spend every waking moment with...and they make it hard…by
great, they make it hard.
The second verse, that’s a little trickier…“I
was just guessing, at numbers and figures…Pulling your puzzles
you think you know your friends. You think you know everything there
is to know about them.
And then they jump into this whole college thing, and everything changes…everyone
changes. The kids that didn’t drink do. The ones that did, don’t
anymore. The really good conservative girls get their noses pierced.
The ones who blew everyone away in high school when they did it, take
their nose rings
out. And so you get to college and you find out that you didn’t
know everyone as well as you thought you did. Some things never change…my
two best friends
remain the most amazing and selfless individuals ever, but they’re
changing too...in smaller, subtler ways.
“Questions of science, science and
progress, don’t speak as loud as my heart.” Ok,
so this one’s personal. This one’s about thinking with
your heart and not your head. This is knowing that you made the right
decision but desperately
wanting to be in Baton Rouge. This is having everyone tell you to
get over the boy who lives seven hours away and not being able to
“Coming back as we are.” Oooh,
I like that line…because it fits so nicely with my theory
on people changing. Winter break
is going to be nuts. Ali will
come home from California, Joe will come home from Colorado, Andre`
will come back from New York, and we’ll get to see everyone…see
And then the refrain again. Wow. I feel like
I just finished a Wednesday AP exercise in third hour English.
How’d I do,
Mr. Bernard? (Mr. Bernard was my senior English teacher…amazing
man…I have a huge crush on him.)
So that’s it. That’s
the extent of my deep thinking for today. Maybe you disagree. Maybe
I’m totally off in my interpretation. And that’s
the beauty of it. The song fits me because I made it fit me. And
even if you disagree with my interpretation, you’ve got to
concede this much…Coldplay is amazing.