First-Year Student Journals : Leila : Journal 5

Leila's clock that looks like a miniature drum set

Leila | Profile | Reflections | Journals: 1 2 3 4 5 6

Kokamo

The truth is such an elusive thing.

We strive for it in everything we do, and yet sometimes it is so hard to be honest with ourselves.

I am not sure what I am doing here, specifically here at UT. I find it hard not to wonder why I am not living on a remote beach, driving a motorcycle and playing the drums more often.

But actually I think I have had it all wrong. I see myself on the beach because on the beach I imagine myself being able to put aside the constant noise in this world, the noise about the stock market, trends and the mundane, and get down to the nitty-gritty, the sweetness. Finally able to understand what is real, and true and spectacular about this world. And where I could slow down, and take things one step at a time, time to relish each moment, time to confront the fact that we all die and then time to assert life as it is. Life as it is. What an elusive concept.

Yes, I want all these things.

But I must be able to realize all of this without being on the beach. A strong soul does not bend with the fickle tug of trends, places and circumstance. A strong soul remains solid no matter where it is, or what is going on.

Does a soul remain the same, always as it is? Or does it change and grow? Perhaps it is always as it is, but it is up to us to realize its presence and get to know every crevice of its existence. Can this be done in one lifetime? I don’t know. I hope I live a long life to find out, but I have a feeling that it cannot. Perhaps the completion of Soul 101 happens well past this present life. But who is to say…?

Austin, Texas, is a city. There is lots of city noise, and life is fast-paced. It’s hard to be away from the city, from the noise, from so many people. I think it is overwhelming. Every atom in my body misses the quiet serenity of the mountains, of nature’s silence. Perhaps it is an escape from responsibility, from expectations, from having to work with being misunderstood…hmm. Or maybe being in nature is a chance to confront the bigger picture, to confront reality as it is and always as been.

But here, in this city, I feel like it is all moving too fast.

The clever part of this whole equation is that I am in control of the speed. I think….

And still I ask myself, why does it seem like I will be closer to the truth, more honest with myself and more straightforward, on the beach?

Perhaps I am leaving one small important part out. I don’t feel straightforward with myself right now. I feel distracted by the hustle and bustle and misled by my own thoughts. Oh. To see it so clearly, to see the mistake, the flaw, and yet, have to live with myself, in my own head, stuck in my own mind. It is quite the cosmic farce.

Our mind is a sacred place, and thank God we each get our own sanctuary. But on the other side of the coin, it is the only sanctuary we get. We are exiled from everything else in the universe. We exist through and in our minds. Everything else is subject to our perception through our minds. Hmmm. Perhaps this is why nature is so captivating. In nature, somehow, I can transcend my own mind and plug into a higher channel, a channel where I am removed from the equation and things exist just as they are… well perhaps more so than usual. (If we only knew just the ways things were, I am sure it is all much more inconceivable and spectacular than we think.)

Thank God for experiences, as biting and jagged as they can be. Hands-on learning. Wake-up calls. Critical moments when we realize what is necessary to keep on living, and what is unnecessary. In the documentary “Destination Unknown,” (which I saw presented at Jester dorm’s auditorium…. And I highly recommend looking into it for all you college students or soon-to-be college students out there… see bottom of page for quick summary) a man interviewed explains it in these terms of necessity. And he is right. Things like love, passion, dignity, freedom, our dreams, health, honesty—these things are necessary.

Well, the good with the bad, experiences never cease. I feel the presence of a guide, craftily teaching me what I need to know—what is necessary. Being honest with myself has been one of the hardest lessons to learn. But the best things in life are worth fighting for. And as far as why I am here at UT (and not in Kokamo), I trust in the strange ways of the universe, one step at a time. Our lives are not sectionalized. It flows in one long continuous stream. This is not “college.” This is life. A rock ’n’ roll soul will always keep on rockin’…. Keep on rockin’ until it gets to where it needs to be…

“Destination Unknown”

A few years back, a couple of guys realized that they were undecided about their futures. So they bought an old RV, painted it neon green and set off for a road trip across the country to interview a myriad of people, people who had done great things or had interesting jobs. They wanted to understand how these people had arrived at where they were. CEOs, a man selling lobsters in Maine, etc. And they did. And then some big guns got wind of this and invested in their story. The documentary will be out soon, they have written a book and now have established a program that allows students to go on road trips to interview people and figure out what they want…just as they did. Interesting how not knowing what to do with your life could turn into exactly what you want to do with your life (or at least the next step).

Any questions, comments, ANSWERS, insights into the universe are surely welcomed and greatly appreciated. Leila.w@mail.utexas.edu



	Leila \| Profile \| Reflections \| Journals: 1 2 3 4 5 6 Home
	Kokamo The truth is such an elusive thing. We strive for it in everything we do, and yet sometimes it is so hard to be honest with ourselves. I am not sure what I am doing here, specifically here at UT. I find it hard not to wonder why I am not living on a remote beach, driving a motorcycle and playing the drums more often. But actually I think I have had it all wrong. I see myself on the beach because on the beach I imagine myself being able to put aside the constant noise in this world, the noise about the stock market, trends and the mundane, and get down to the nitty-gritty, the sweetness. Finally able to understand what is real, and true and spectacular about this world. And where I could slow down, and take things one step at a time, time to relish each moment, time to confront the fact that we all die and then time to assert life as it is. Life as it is. What an elusive concept. Yes, I want all these things. But I must be able to realize all of this without being on the beach. A strong soul does not bend with the fickle tug of trends, places and circumstance. A strong soul remains solid no matter where it is, or what is going on. Does a soul remain the same, always as it is? Or does it change and grow? Perhaps it is always as it is, but it is up to us to realize its presence and get to know every crevice of its existence. Can this be done in one lifetime? I don’t know. I hope I live a long life to find out, but I have a feeling that it cannot. Perhaps the completion of Soul 101 happens well past this present life. But who is to say…? Austin, Texas, is a city. There is lots of city noise, and life is fast-paced. It’s hard to be away from the city, from the noise, from so many people. I think it is overwhelming. Every atom in my body misses the quiet serenity of the mountains, of nature’s silence. Perhaps it is an escape from responsibility, from expectations, from having to work with being misunderstood…hmm. Or maybe being in nature is a chance to confront the bigger picture, to confront reality as it is and always as been. But here, in this city, I feel like it is all moving too fast. The clever part of this whole equation is that I am in control of the speed. I think…. And still I ask myself, why does it seem like I will be closer to the truth, more honest with myself and more straightforward, on the beach? Perhaps I am leaving one small important part out. I don’t feel straightforward with myself right now. I feel distracted by the hustle and bustle and misled by my own thoughts. Oh. To see it so clearly, to see the mistake, the flaw, and yet, have to live with myself, in my own head, stuck in my own mind. It is quite the cosmic farce. Our mind is a sacred place, and thank God we each get our own sanctuary. But on the other side of the coin, it is the only sanctuary we get. We are exiled from everything else in the universe. We exist through and in our minds. Everything else is subject to our perception through our minds. Hmmm. Perhaps this is why nature is so captivating. In nature, somehow, I can transcend my own mind and plug into a higher channel, a channel where I am removed from the equation and things exist just as they are… well perhaps more so than usual. (If we only knew just the ways things were, I am sure it is all much more inconceivable and spectacular than we think.) Thank God for experiences, as biting and jagged as they can be. Hands-on learning. Wake-up calls. Critical moments when we realize what is necessary to keep on living, and what is unnecessary. In the documentary “Destination Unknown,” (which I saw presented at Jester dorm’s auditorium…. And I highly recommend looking into it for all you college students or soon-to-be college students out there… see bottom of page for quick summary) a man interviewed explains it in these terms of necessity. And he is right. Things like love, passion, dignity, freedom, our dreams, health, honesty—these things are necessary. Well, the good with the bad, experiences never cease. I feel the presence of a guide, craftily teaching me what I need to know—what is necessary. Being honest with myself has been one of the hardest lessons to learn. But the best things in life are worth fighting for. And as far as why I am here at UT (and not in Kokamo), I trust in the strange ways of the universe, one step at a time. Our lives are not sectionalized. It flows in one long continuous stream. This is not “college.” This is life. A rock ’n’ roll soul will always keep on rockin’…. Keep on rockin’ until it gets to where it needs to be… “Destination Unknown” A few years back, a couple of guys realized that they were undecided about their futures. So they bought an old RV, painted it neon green and set off for a road trip across the country to interview a myriad of people, people who had done great things or had interesting jobs. They wanted to understand how these people had arrived at where they were. CEOs, a man selling lobsters in Maine, etc. And they did. And then some big guns got wind of this and invested in their story. The documentary will be out soon, they have written a book and now have established a program that allows students to go on road trips to interview people and figure out what they want…just as they did. Interesting how not knowing what to do with your life could turn into exactly what you want to do with your life (or at least the next step). Any questions, comments, ANSWERS, insights into the universe are surely welcomed and greatly appreciated. Leila.w@mail.utexas.edu