The University of Texas at Austin wordmark
Small handwriting sample of C.J.'s First-Year Student Journals, link to journals home page
Traci




Traci's favorite camera lamp




mural detail

24 October 2005

Just for the record, I’m in one of “those” moods, so bare with me.

Don’t get me wrong, I love this place. I love being here. But if there’s one thing about college that I can’t stand, it’s the fact that no one here completely knows me. Yes, I’ve made friends, and yes, we hang out all of the time, but how much do they actually know about me?

That’s sort of what the last four years of our lives boil down to, a completely new start. For the most part, I embraced the idea of this opportunity. It was actually one of the things I looked forward to the most, creating a name for myself among 50,000 others. But every once in a while, I realize that I spent high school finding those relationships where my friends knew me better than I knew myself, and here, I don’t even feel like I know myself anymore, so I can’t expect anyone else to.

I realize it takes time. I know it takes time. But I want someone to finish my sentences. I want someone to know what I’m thinking before I do. I want someone who understands my moods. I want someone who can read my facial expressions and know exactly what’s going on in my head. I want someone to know when there’s nothing left to say to me. I want someone to know how I’m feeling based on which song I have on repeat. I want someone who doesn’t think twice when I say something random and off subject. I want someone who doesn’t question what I do because they know who it is that is doing it. It took so many memories and fights and scars and laughs to finally find this person, but with distance came unraveling, and now I’m back to square one.

But maybe square one isn’t such a bad thing. Maybe I need new influences, new perspectives. Maybe making a new life is the best thing that could happen to me. Maybe I was born to start over. Maybe I need this reinvention. Maybe we’re all still stuck on the “first impression” stage, but soon it will all come out. Every detail will be open to the public. And that’s where I’ll find them. The people who will change my life just by knowing what it’s about. The people who don’t believe in the formalities. The people who will look me in the eye and tell me the truth. The people who feel like they don’t have to laugh at my stupid jokes and dumb voices and horrible air guitaring and air drumming and air every other instrument just to be polite. The people who will want to know me until there’s no more left to know.

Until then, I suppose I’ll start with the basics. Hi, I’m Traci.

P.S. If you have anything to say to me (question, complaint, random fact, compliment, etc.), anything at all, seriously, feel free to e-mail me at ohhrockon@yahoo.com.

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