The highlight of the average college student’s week at UT can be pretty interesting (may those wild frat foam parties you went to with an 8am class the next day never be forgotten). But every now and then, something happens that’s just plain EPIC, like… a showdown at Chipotle, a WAR over hot burritos and salsa at high noon on the infamous “drag” street of Austin, Texas. Now THAT’s a story worth sharing.
To help tell the story, I’ll randomly put in some intermittent commentary by war hero (and epic lunch buddy) David.
It was one of those Fridays where lunch at Chipotle was the perfect way to kickstart an awesome afternoon… and what better way to have the perfect lunch than with two good friends? Our excitement was only marginally whithering as we waited through a line that extended out the door of the restaurant, around the corner, two blocks down, and across the border. As you can imagine, the fight for seating was even worse. What are three innocent, HUNGRY customers to do with burritos in hand and nowhere to sit?
ALAS! An empty table, my comrade spied! Oh, but what is this? …A brown tweed coat? And red mittens? Why, some poor soul must have left them on their way to America’s Worst Dressed of the Season Pageant! Or WORSE- some inconsiderate person was trying to RESERVE a table from the back of the line while the rest of us stood around, salsa and tacos in hand.
…We assumed the former as we sat down, justly, to dine and bask in the glory of good company. Suddenly, the fashionista failure (who I shall now refer to as Evil) returned to claim her mittens… or her table. “YOU NEED TO MOVE. NOW! THIS TABLE IS OURS- FOR ME AND MY FRIENDS. You guys need to MOVE.” With that, Evil went back to purchase herself a burrito bowl and a side of RUDE.
David: She lost it the way she began it, by saying, You need to move! Now! Ouch. Try asking nicely, I might have listened. But now Im being yelled at, and seemingly am already in trouble with you. And if Im already in trouble, I may as well DESERVE IT.
It was awkward, and I cast in my vote to passively move, but my two lunch buddies didn’t feel the need to relinquish their principles of dining-virtue and sense of justice in the matter. So they ate, and resolved that whatever came, they would not move. So I sat…
Not two minutes passed by before Evil came rushing towards the table again… with backup. Let the screaming, yelling, and arguing commence!
David:…They would have gotten away with it, if it werent for those meddling ki.. and ME. I try to understand the situation from their point of view, and I still cant understand why she simply didnt return to the table, see us there, admit defeat, take her coat and wait for a table like we did. There
were a few (not-to)subtle CLUES that trying to deal with me was futile:
1) My Mohawk is poking out from under my slightly askew hat.
2) My beard is beginning to look like Jeremiah Johnson.
3) Im eating Steak tacos, MMMM red meat.
But my semi-scary appearance isnt what lost her the fight.
4) Its Friday. Ok, she knew it was Friday, but she didnt know that High Schools Hawaiian shirt Fridays were replaced by Colleges Dont Take Crap From Nobody Fridays.
Evil:You need to MOVE!
David: We’re not moving.
Evil: This is MY table!
David: You’re not supposed to reserve tables when the restaurant is full and there’s a line.
Evil: It doesn’t matter! You need to MOVE!
(insert flurry of cursing, dramatic yelling, …and crying infant in right corner for dramatic effect)
Barira (the third comrade/soldier): There’s an empty table over there you guys can move to-
Evil: YOU should move there.
Me: Maybe you-
Evil: YOU NEED TO MOVE.
Barira: David, maybe we should just go ahead and move-
David: SIT DOWN!
Evil: YOU NEED TO MOVE, NOW!
Barira: Well, David told me to sit, so we’re not moving. So… I guess that leaves you the option of taking the empty table over THERE or let some stranger take it.
Evil: UGH! YOU GUYS- YOU-YOU- YOU GUYS ARE JERKS!
(Evil exits stage left and returns to the bowels of Hellish fashion from which she was spawned)
David: …I would’ve given her the table if she had been nice, you know…
Barira: Yeah. …Ha, what were you DOING that whole time?
Me: …it was awkward for me.
David: …I finished my tacos.
David: So before you go out next time, remember to bring along some manners, some level of niceness. If youre nice to people, theyll be nice in return. And if you want to pick a fight with me over a table in a restaurant, dont try and use a pair of red mittens as part of your place saver.
P.S. This week, the snippets pick on Canada.
Barira: You just hate on Belle because you saw some warped ghetto-rigged version of Beauty and the Beast in Canada.
Me: HAHAHAHA …Belle and the Lumbarjack.
Ian: Don’t make fun of my country. It’s BEAVER and the Lumbarjack.