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Failproof Guide To Mastering Midterms

So you signed up for a schedule full of pre-med classes, and have naively attempted to review material on your weekends in hopes of nailing that 4.0. Then you realize about two days before before midterms that, “Wow. That did about as much help as a 1999 self defense class for Whitney Houston.” The bottom line: Some of you are just plain screwed come April and know it. This was written for you.

Preparation for Midterms:

1. Take advantage of any practice exams or quizzes that might be available to you. Those are great opportunities to test out how far to the left you’ll need to lean in order to read your neighbor’s answers, and how comfortable the desks are for sleeping.

2. Stop praying before tests. Jesus and God are sleeping in on testing days, and even if they were awake, those starving children halfway around the world probably need Him more than you do. Besides, it’ll be ok. Jesus failed the Chemistry 302 Midterm too.

3. Have an awesome lunch/dinner right before the test. After all, a scantron may take away your dignity, destroy your pride, and rob you of all intelligence, but it CANNOT ruin Strawberry Fests and Pie Day from the Kinsolving Cafeteria.

The Multiple Choice:

1. If you have eight D’s in a row, something is amiss. D’s come in odd numbers, silly. Throw one more in there.

2. If yo mama was taking the test, which answer choice would she pick? Cross that one out. Get it? Get it?

3. If you’ve narrowed down your answer choices to two letters, think of two people whose names begin with those letters. Then think of the one more likely to ruin your life and/or mug an old lady. That’s the right answer.

4. BAD, CAD, DAD, BED, CAB, and DAB. You guys know what I’m talking about. When in doubt, just spell.

The Free Response:

1. On free response questions that deal with historical events, deny that the Holocaust or Southern slavery ever happened.

2. Only answer questions in the form of questions.

3. Draw detailed pictures next to your answer that have absolutely nothing to do with what you are writing.

4. Use any remaining space on the free response to write a letter about any of the following:
a. how evil the TA is and how much psychological damage he/she has caused.
b. where you put the bodies and/or bomb
c. how difficult it is to study after donating blood, raising charity funds for underprivileged children, and taking care of your own eight kids, two adopted from China last year.

During the Exam:

1. Ask for another pencil every five minutes. Should the TA get annoyed and refuse, cry out in front of everyone else “HOW DARE YOU DISCRIMINATE AGAINST OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER PATIENTS?”

2. If someone sneezes, demand that the TA give you more time. After all, you were just distracted and your testing mojo is now gone with the wind.

3. After testing has begun, turn to your neighbors and whisper an apology for your case of chronic flatulence.

4. Raise your hand wildly and ask the TA questions from the multiple section of the test, then quickly say “Wait wait wait, don’t tell me, don’t tell me… I know this one!”

6. When the test is about to end, scream out, “OMG, THIS ISN’T THE BIO MIDTERM!”

7. Sigh loudly every thirty seconds. When someone finally asks what’s wrong, just shrug and say, “I don’t know this one.”

8. During the multiple choice section of the test, periodically yell out “ARGH, MY SCANTRON IS MISSING A ‘D’

And there you have it. Happy testing!

P.S. This week, the snippets have self esteem issues.
Barira: My mom picked me up last weekend and she said I looked like a college kid.
Me: What’s that mean?
Barira: She said I looked lost, poor, and miserable.

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March 27, 2008 | | Comments are closed for this post
photo of Ha