• Is violence a problem in your relationship?
  
  
• Do you see yourself or a friend in the following questions?
  
  
• Violent and Non-Violent Relationships
  
  
• Cycle of Domestic Violence
  
  
• If your partner has been violent with you
  
  

• What to do if you are being assaulted or fear being
  assaulted
  
  
• If you have been violent toward your partner
  
  
• If someone you know is being abused
  
  
• Campus & Community Resources & National Web-Based Resources
  
  
• Reading Resources

Is Violence a Problem in Your Relationship?

Lots of people have it. Relationship violence is an equal opportunity problem. Anybody can have it. Men have it. Women have it. Wealthy people, poor people, people of all races, Republicans and Democrats have it. Catholics, Protestants, Jews, Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, agnostics, and even atheists have it. Computer users have it. Nice people have it. Somebody you know has it. Maybe your spouse/partner has it. Maybe you have it.

Do You See Yourself or a Friend in the Following Questions? 

• Are you afraid of your partner or feel like you have to walk on pins and needles sometimes to keep your partner from getting angry?
• Has your partner ever hit, slapped, or pushed you?
• Do you ever get the feeling you've done something wrong but you'd have to read your partner's mind to find out what it is?
• Is your partner very good to you most of the time -- sometimes downright wonderful, but every once in a while very cruel or scary?
• Have you been forced by your partner to do something you didn't want to do?
• Have you lost all or most of your friends since you've been with your partner?
• Do you feel isolated, like there's nowhere to turn for help, and that no one would believe you anyway?
• If your partner asks, do you feel like you have to say everything's okay even when it's really not?
• Have you ever been in a relationship where you could have answered "yes" to these questions, but right now you're past all that? 

How About These Questions. . .

• Is your partner afraid of you sometimes?
• Are you very protective and jealous of your partner?
• Have you ever hit, slapped or pushed your partner?
• Have you ever threatened your partner or said, "Don't make me angry!"?
• Have you ever thrown things or hit walls during an argument with your partner?
• Do you find yourself "convincing" your partner on a regular basis to do things that he or she would rather not do?
• Have you ever intentionally harmed or broken something which was important to your partner?
• Are you sure that you don't have an abuse problem because you see people around you doing worse all the time?

If you found yourself answering "yes" to several of the preceeding questions, then violence may be a problem in your relationship. The information in this brochure may help you choose what to do next.

Violent Relationship Based on Power and Control

 Non-Violent Relationship Based on Mutuality and Respect

Stage One: Tension-Building

• Rather than using mutual communication, negotiation, or compromise to solve problems, violent individuals tend to rely on the use of force or coercion to get what they want.
  
  
• Typically, violence occurs after a build-up of tension in the relationship about issues which are not directly discussed or resolved.
  
  
• During this period, tension mounts, communication decreases, and both partners may feel tense, edgy, and jumpy.
  
  
• Arguments and criticism tend to increase during this period.

Stage Two: Violence

• After this build-up, physical violence may erupt over seemingly insignificant issues.
  
  
• Tension seems to be released, and often, the relationship seems to improve.

Stage Three: Seduction

• Perpetrators of violence often apologize, make promises to change, and pay special attention to their partners immediately following a violent incident.
  
  
• This period is sometimes referred to as the "honeymoon period" because of the positive feelings resulting from the release of tension and the hope that things will change for the better.
  
  
• This kind of spontaneous change rarely occurs, however, because the underlying pattern of control and lack of communication and compromise has not changed.

If you have been violent toward your partner: 

• Know that you are also not alone. Recent research concludes that 20 to 30% of college dating relationships have included incidents of both verbal and physical abuse.
  
  
• Understand that violence is a learned behavior, not an innate trait or permanent personality feature. Violent behavior is something that can be changed- if you commit yourself to a change process.
  
  
• Take responsibility for your violent behavior. The first step in changing any problematic behavior is acknowledging that you have a problem and taking responsibility for it. It is not enough to say "I'm sorry, I'll never do it again." That is merely part of the cycle of abuse - the "Seduction" or "Honeymoon" Phase.
  
  
• Seek outside help. There are programs available that provide educa- tion and counseling about ways to "unlearn" violent behavior and to learn alternative ways of dealing with frustration and anger. (See Campus & Community Resources on the inside cover and Reading Resources on the back cover.)

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Remember:
To end the cycle of violence, it is important for both partners in a relationship to seek outside help and support. It takes work and commitment to stop violence and to establish non-violent patterns of solving problems. The involvement of professionals who have experience dealing with relationship violence gives you a much better chance of achieving these goals.

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If Someone You Know is Being Abused . . .

What Should You Do?

You may have a friend, relative, or neighbor who is being abused. You may have witnessed the violence, heard it, seen physical signs of it, or merely suspected it for various reasons. What should you do?

• Ask direct questions, gently. Give the person ample opportunity to talk. Don't rush into providing solutions.
  
  
• Listen - without judging.
  
  
• Let your friend know that you offer your support and caring, that the
  responsibility for the violence lies elsewhere, and that only the abuser can stop the violence.
  
  
• Explain that physical violence in a relationship is never acceptable, at any time. There's no excuse for it - not alcohol or drugs, not financial pressures, not depression, not jealousy.
  
  
• If your friend has children and is concerned for them, reinforce that concern and let him or her know that domestic violence is damaging to children. In fact, you may want to reach out to support the chil- dren, letting them know you're there for them, as well.
  
  
• Let the person know that, in spite of the partner's promises, the violence is likely to continue and, probably, escalate.
  
  
• Emphasize that, if it becomes necessary, it is possible to make a choice to leave the relationship, and help is available.
  
  
• Provide your friend information about local resources.
  
  
• If the person chooses to remain in the relationship, continue to be a friend, while at the same time firmly communicating that no one deserves to be in a violent situation.
  
  
• If you see or hear an assault in progress, call the police. But because these assaults are often dangerous, do not physically intervene.

Campus & Community Resources

University of Texas at Austin Campus

• University Health Services (Student Services Building/SSB):
  Medical care, appointments: 471-4955
  Nurse Advice Line: 475-NURSE
  Confidential HIV testing by Austin Travis County Health & Human Services: 972-5580
  Health Promotion Resource Center: 475-8252
  
  
• Counseling & Mental Health Center (5th Floor SSB):
  Appointments: 471-3515
  Telephone Counseling: 471-CALL (2255)
  Voices Against Violence Project, Outreach, peer education &counseling: 471-3515.
  
  
• UT Police Department
  Available 24 hours a day, call 471-4441.
  
  
• Student Judicial Services:
  Appointments: 471-2841.
  To file a complaint against another student–this may be done whether or not criminal charges are filed.
  
  
• Domestic Violence Clinic
  UT Law School: 232-1358
  Provides legal assistance for low-income victims of domestic violence.
  
  
• Men Against Sexual Assault:
  Student organization dedicated to raising men’s awareness of sexual assault issues.
  
  
• Students Acting Against Sexual Assault
  Dedicated to raising awareness, educating and providing a safe, non-threatening forum on issues of sexual assault
  
  
• Voices Against Violence Project: 471-3515
  Concerned with relationship violence, stalking,sexual violence
  Counseling and advocacy services for women and men
  
  

Please remember that web addresses can change often.

Hotlines

• MHMR/Suicide: 472-4357
• Teleserve: 974-5750 (Stalking)
  
• Child Abuse (CPS): 1 (800) 252-5400
  
• Family Violence Protection Team: 974-8535
  
• LifeWorks: 478-1648
  
• Protective Orders Travis County: 854-9498
  
• Crime Victim’s Compensation Program: 1 (800) 983-9933
  
• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1 (800) 799-7233
  
• National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1 (800) 656-HOPE
  (Rape Abuse Incest National Network)

National Web-Based Resources

National Center for Victims of Crime: Provides information and referral services for victims of all crimes. Phone: 800/394-2255 (M–F 8:30 am–5:30 pm EST); TTY: 1-800/211-7996


Male Survivor—A non-profit organization dedicated to healing male survivors of sexual abuse


The New York City Gay & Lesbian Anti-Violence Project:


XRIS: information about the sexual assault of men and sexual abuse of boys.


UC Davis Campus Violence Prevention


National Sexual Assault Hotline: Telephone 1 (800) 656-HOPE (free • confidential • 24/7)


Minnesota Center Against Violence and Abuse:

Reading Resources on Relationship Violence

You Can Be Free: An Easy-to-Read Handbook for Abused Women. Davidson, Sue and Ginney NiCarthy. Seattle, WA: The Seal Press, 1997.

Outgrowing The Pain. Gil, Eliana, Ph.D. DTP, 1988.

Naming the Violence: Speaking Out Against Lesbian Battering. Kerry Lobel, ed. Seattle, WA: the Seal Press, 1986.

For Shelter and Beyond: Ending Violence Against Battered Women and Their Children. Second Edition. Boston: Massachusetts Coalition of Battered Women Service Groups, Inc., 1992.

Chain Chain Change, for Black Women in Abusive Relationships. White, Evelyn C. Seattle, WA: The Seal Press, 1995.

Violent No More: Helping Men End Domestic Abuse. Paymar, Michael. Alameda, CA: Hunter House, Inc., 2000.

When Anger Hurts: Quieting The Storm Within. McKay, Matthew, Peter D. Rogers, & Judith McKay Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc., 1989.