Many people enter their first committed relationships during college. On the one hand, romantic relationships can be wonderful, bringing out the best in two people. On the other, even the healthiest relationships will have times when things are complicated, confusing, and challenging. Problems sometimes arise when two people have conflicting expectations of what their relationship “should” be like, are distracted by other academic or personal issues, or have difficulty communicating in ways that their partner can really hear and understand.

While the early months of a relationship are often effortless and exciting, successful long-term relationships involve ongoing effort and compromise by both partners. Because relationship skills are rarely “taught,” sometimes one or both partners just may not know how to establish and maintain a healthy and mutually satisfying relationship.

This brochure will touch on key aspects of healthy romantic relationships such as:

• Healthy communication and conflict resolution in intimate relationships.
• Strategies for weathering the normal “stormy” times that occur in healthy, loving relationships.
• Understanding how our expectations impact relationships.
• Concerns about the other people and work/school demands in your partner’s life.
• Seven basic steps for maintaining a good relationship.

It is not unusual for the first months of relationships to be full of promise and relatively free of conflict. While some people experience the exhilaration of meeting someone new and falling in love, other relationships build slowly or originate in a friendship that grows into love over time. Falling in love casts our partner in the best possible light, and we often don’t notice or are willing to overlook potential “rough spots.” Nonetheless, building a healthy relationship pattern early can establish a solid foundation for the long run.

Build. Build a foundation of appreciation and respect. Focus on all the considerate things your partner says and does. Happy couples make a point of noticing even small opportunities to say “thank you” to their partner, rather than focusing on mistakes their partner has made.

Explore. Explore each other’s interests and passions so that you have a long list of things to enjoy together. Try new things together to expand mutual interests.

Establish. Establish a pattern of apologizing if you make a mistake or hurt your partner’s feelings. Saying “I’m sorry” may be pretty hard in the moment but goes a long way towards healing a rift in a relationship. Your partner will trust you more if he or she knows that you will take responsibility for your words and actions.

Relationships change over time. What you want from a relationship in the early months of dating may be quite different from what you want after you have been together for some time. Changes in life outside your relationship will impact what you want and need from the relationship. Even positive change tends to be stressful, but change is inevitable. Welcoming change as an opportunity to enhance the relationship is more fruitful than trying to keep change from happening.

With this in mind, periodically set aside time to “check in with each other” on changing expectations and goals. These discussions are hardly free of anxiety, and it is tempting to postpone them. Relationships are sometimes compared to boating on a river: Both partners need to be paddling to stay on course. Couples can find that if they ignore difficult topics too long, their relationship has drifted into “rocky waters” without their noticing. Strategizing together about changes can strengthen and deepen the relationship you are building. And good communication is key . . .

Disagreements in a relationship are not only normal but, if constructively resolved, actually strengthen the relationship. It is inevitable and normal that there will be times of sadness, tension, or outright anger between you and your partner. The source of these problems may lie in unrealistic, unreasonable emotional demands, unexplored expectations, or unresolved issues or behaviors in one partner or in the relationship. Key to resolving conflicts in healthy relationships are self-honesty, a willingness to consider your partner’s perspective even if you don’t fully understand it, and communication, communication, communication!

Find out how conflicts were managed in your partner’s family and talk about how conflict was approached (or avoided!) in your own family. It is not unusual for couples to discover that their families had very different ways of expressing anger and resolving differences. When we think about it, we often discover that our conflict resolution patterns have been influenced by what happened in our families. (If your family wasn’t good at communicating or constructively resolving conflict, give yourself permission to try out some new ways of handling things.)

Research on happy couples suggests that it is important that couples “time” their fights in the way that works best for them. Contrary to previous notions, the best time to resolve a conflict may not always be “right away” or even as soon as possible. It is not unusual for one or both partners to need some time to cool off. This “time-out” period can help you avoid saying or doing hurtful things in the heat of the moment and can help partners more clearly identify what changes are most important. Remember—if you are angry with your partner but don’t yet know what you want, it will be nearly impossible for your partner to figure it out!

Emotional support for each other is critical. Emotional support means giving your partner the message that you’re behind him or her. This does not mean agreeing with one another all the time. Realistically, no two people will agree on all occasions. What it does mean is doing your best to treat your partner in a way that says, “I love you and trust you, and I want to work this out.”

Emotional support involves accepting your partner’s differences and not insisting that he or she meet your needs only in the precise way that you want them met. An example might be when you want your partner to show love for you by spending free time with you, sharing and being open, and paying attention to your concerns and needs. Of course these are important activities, but your partner may often show his or her love by doing things—like sharing home responsibilities, bringing you gifts occasionally, discussing the day’s events, or talking about books and movies that you’ve shared. Find out how your partner chooses to show his or her love for you and don’t set absolute criteria that require your partner to always behave differently before you’re satisfied. Remember, too, that the words “I love you—I like being in a relationship with you” and “You’re important to me” are not demands and can be strong motivation for your partner to really listen and respect your wishes.

Starting out by talking about one concern and then bringing up another when the first discussion is unfinished can also lead to problems. Do your best to keep the focus on resolving one concern at a time, even if it is tempting to “list” other concerns or grievances.

By “active,” we mean that you (a) don’t interrupt, (b) focus on what your partner is saying rather than on formulating your own rebuttal or response, and (c) check out what you heard your partner say. You might start this process with: “I think you are saying . . . .” Or “what I understood you to say was. . . .” This step alone can sometimes short circuit a fight based on a misunderstanding.

Dr. John Gottman, a prominent researcher in the area of enduring relationships, has found that couples who “edit” themselves and do not say all the angry things they may be thinking are typically the happiest. He also found that “softening” the beginning of a fight was important. In situations where one partner made a critical or contemptuous comment “right off the bat,” the couple’s conflict escalated quickly.

A “win-win” stance means that your goal is for the relationship rather than either partner to “win” in a conflict situation. This may mean asking yourself: “Is what I am about to say (or do) going to increase or decrease the odds that we’ll work this problem out?” If your partner feels bullied, out-talked, or otherwise the “loser” in a fight, you may win the battle but lose ground in the relationship. A better approach may be to use “fair fighting” techniques. A “fair fight” involves a step-by-step strategy for resolving conflict in which both partners negotiate a mutually acceptable solution to a problem. Fair fighting is discussed in the CMHC online pamphlet at www.utexas.edu/student/cmhc/. A printed copy is also available at the Center.

It is not unusual for relationship conflicts to originate in the expectations or “shoulds” we hold regarding relationships. Each of us enters a romantic relationship with our own unique hopes and expectations. We dream that this other person might perhaps be the “one” for us. We have some notions about what we do and don’t want based on family relationships, what we’ve seen in the media, and our own past relationship experiences. Sometimes our expectations of our partner or a relationship are unrealistic, unfair, and even self-defeating. Such expectations may doom a relationship to be unsatisfying and eventually to fail. It may be helpful to consider the following contrasts between healthy and problematic relationship expectations:

It is healthy to anticipate that both you and your partner will change over time and important to respect and value these changes. It is natural for feelings of love and passion to change with time as well. Love literally changes brain chemistry for the first months of a relationship. For both physiological and emotional reasons, an established relationship will have a more complex and often richer type of passion than a new relationship.

It is also difficult but healthy to accept that there are some things about our partners that will not change over time, no matter how much we want them to. Unfortunately, there is often an expectation that our partner will change only in the ways we want, or we hope that our partner will never change from the way he or she is now.

It is healthy to expect that there are times when our partner won’t be able to “read our minds” and we will have to make the effort of formulating and expressing needs and wishes. While it is easy (and convenient!) to assume that your partner knows your wants and needs, this is often not the case and is the source of much stress in relationships.

In healthy relationships, there is respect for each partner’s right to have her/his own feelings, friends, activities, and opinions. It is problematic to expect or demand that that he or she have the same priorities, goals, and interests as you or to expect that your partner will “give up” other interests, activities, and friends “for the relationship.”

Couples who view conflict as a threat to the relationship and something to be avoided at all costs often find that accumulated and unaddressed conflicts are the real threat. Healthy couples “fight,” but they “fight fair”—accepting responsibility for their own part of a problem, admitting when they are wrong, and not resorting to verbal, physical, or emotional abuse.

Most of us know that keeping a vehicle moving in the desired direction requires not only regular re-fueling, but also ongoing maintenance and active corrections to the steering to compensate for changes in the road. A similar situation applies to continuing relationships. While we may work hard to get the relationship started, expecting to “cruise” without effort or active maintenance typically leads to relationship “stall” (or “crash!”). Though gifts and getaways are important, it is often the small nonmaterial things that partners routinely do for each other that keeps the relationship satisfying. Because these behaviors are often small “corrections,” they are not always things we have observed in our parents’ or others’ relationships.

Relationships benefit the most when partners recognize the expectations they bring into the relationship and consider the different ways these expectations are affecting the relationship. This task is often challenging for both partners. Nonetheless, amidst all the other challenges of being a student, communicating about expectations and resolving differences in a way that works for both partners can help couples build and maintain healthy romantic relationships during college.

Even partners coming from very similar cultural, religious, or economic backgrounds may find it important to discuss their expectations of how a “good” boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse behaves. What seems “obvious” or “normal” to you may surprise your partner and visa versa. If you are from different backgrounds, be aware that you may need to spend more time and energy to build your relationship. It may be important to take the time to learn about your partner’s cul-ture or religion, being careful to “check out” what parts of such information actually “fit” for your partner.

Time spent apart and time spent together is a common relationship concern. You enjoy time together, but you also may enjoy time alone or with other friends. If you interpret your partner’s time apart from you as, “he or she doesn’t care for me as much as I care for him or her,” you may be headed for trouble by jumping to a premature conclusion. “Check out” with your partner what time alone means and share your feelings about what you need from the relationship in terms of time together. Perhaps you can reach a compromise where you get more time together while leaving your partner the freedom to be alone or with others without your feeling rejected or neglected. Demanding what you want, regardless of your partner’s needs, usually ends up driving your partner away.

For most college students, their families remain an important source of emotional, if not financial, support during their years at the university. Some people find dealing with their partner’s family difficult or frustrating. You may wonder how you can have a good relationship with them, or if you should even try! It can be helpful to take a mental step back and think about parental good intentions. Let’s assume at the very beginning that most parents are concerned about their children and that they want to stay in contact with them. Pro-blems sometimes arise when parents forget that their children are individuals with separate lives, who are making their own decisions. People come from varied backgrounds, and families may offer well-intentioned advice about your relationship or your partner. It’s important that the two of you discuss and agree how you want to respond to differing family values and support one another in the face of what can be very intense “suggestions” from family.

There are some people who seem to believe that “If I’m in a relationship, I have to give up all my personal friends unless my partner likes them as much as I do.” Giving up friends may not be healthy for you or the relationship, except in circumstances where your friends pressure you to participate in activities such as drug or alcohol use that are damaging to yourself and the relationship. Neither should it be assumed that your partner will enjoy your personal friends as much as you do. Just as with other areas in a relationship, you can negotiate which friends you and your partner spend time with together. You might ask: “Which of my friends do you enjoy seeing and which ones would you rather I see alone or at other times when I’m not with you?” Talk with your partner about friendships with others, negotiate any concerns and recognize that each of you may need to continue your friendships even when you are intimately in-volved with one another.

Strong, loving relationships come in many different forms. Cross-cultural or inter-racial couples, same- sex couples, relationships where one partner has a disability, and long-distance relationships are but a few examples of relationships that involve additional challenges beyond those discussed in this brochure.

7. Where critical differences do exist in your expectations, needs, or opinions, try to work honestly and sincerely to negotiate. Seek professional “coaching” early rather than waiting until the situation becomes critical.

A Final Word. . .

If you are feeling distressed about a relationship, you may wish to consider individual or couples counseling. Counseling can help you identify problematic patterns in your current relationship, as well as looking toward other relationships you may have in the future. Counseling can also “coach” individuals and couples in new relationship skills. If you are grappling with a relationship problem and would like some help, we encourage you to contact the UT Counseling & Mental Health Center at 471-3515, if you are a UT student, or use local counseling services.

Recommended Reading

• Fanning, Patrick, Matthew McKay & Martha Davis. Messages: The Communication Skills Book. New Harbinger, 1995.
  
• Gottman, John M. & Nan Silver. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Three Rivers Press, 2000.
  
• Purcell, Maud. "The 10 Secrets of Happy Couples." Retrieved 8/26/02, from http://psychcentral.com/, Dr. John Grohol's Mental Health Page. Used with permission.

Useful Websites

• The University of Chicago Student Counseling & Resource Service Virtual Pamphlet Collection, an excellent source of online information for college students on a wide range of topics, selected for appropriateness to U of C students.
• The Unabridged Counseling Virtual Pamphlet collection, containing a larger selection of online pamphlets.
  
• Dr. John Grohol's Psych Central Mental Health Page, another source of online information on mental health topics.
  
• The Gottman Institute, which contains self-help tips for marriage and couples.

“Healthy Romantic Relationships During College” is based on an audiotape script originally developed by The University of Texas at Austin. The audiotape text was modified by the staff of the University of Florida Counseling Center. With their permission and support, it has been revised and edited into its present form by the staff at The University of Texas at Austin Counseling and Mental Health Center, with Suzanne Fremont, Ph.D., as primary author. Some portions of this document were modified with permission from brochures published by the Counseling Services at Pace University, the Counseling Services at the University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire, and the Counseling Center for Human Development at the University of South Florida. We thank these institutions for their assistance.