Lift Every Voice - Oral Histories - Audra Sneed

AS: Um-hmm. I went to the doctor thinking that I had an iron deficiency and she told me that I was pregnant. And I was like, “That can’t be right, not me.” And I called the father on the phone and I just, I lost it. And I had lot of thoughts going through my mind. Should I give the child up? Should I terminate my pregnancy? And I called my pastor and he said: “Audra, you need to give life a chance.” And when he told me that, I said, “Okay.”

JH: How did you feel when he said that?

AS: I was confused. I was hurt. I just didn’t want to have to deal. I was like, “I have my whole life planned ahead of me and now I’m going to be a mother.” And he said give life a chance and that’s what I did. I don’t regret it.

JH: Did you go by yourself to the doctor?

AS: Um-hmm. I did everything by myself.

JH: At that time where were you living?

AS: In Austin.

JH: But it was during college?

AS: Yes during college. I mean I went to the doctor and all that in College Station and then I switched over to my doctor. Cause I got pregnant in February, graduated in May, and then came home.

JH: Did you tell your friends, your A&M college friends, when you found out?

AS: I told Tanya, my friend at the time and maybe a couple of other people. But I didn’t have to tell. Because when she was born she didn’t look like me, she looks like him. And when people would see me, they’d just be like, “That’s not who I think it is.” I said, “It is.”

JH: Did, how did he react when you told him about the pregnancy or that you were keeping it?

AS: He was supportive. He was supportive. I mean, he didn’t, he told me, “I don’t agree with termination but if you want to do it, I’m not going to, you know.” But he didn’t condone it per say.

JH: So then she came out and she was the spiting image of him?

AS: Mmm, hmmm. Yeah and, it was, it was devastating. It was hard. I think one thing that I’ve learned is that people need to understand that their actions can really, really impact another human being. And you know, I don’t think he understood and I don’t think he will ever, ever know what I’ve had to go through.

JH: Specifically in terms of the pregnancy?

AS: The mental, the physical, the emotional things that you go through. I think it’s quite sad that another person can leave their flesh and blood just out there. And be able to walk away. See, a woman can’t walk away because the baby’s inside you. But a man, he can walk. It’s hard and I think people, all Americans, should think about where they plant their seed.

JH: Is that how you feel, is that what you feel like he did, walked away?

AS: Yeah, I do. But I’m glad he walked away. At the time I wasn’t glad, because I couldn’t understand. I didn’t, all I felt was anger and bitterness. But now that my daughter is six and you know, he’s doing his thing and I’m doing my thing, I’m grateful for it. The best revenge is to live well.

JH: Did you feel like you needed to get back at him?

AS: Mmm, mmm [no]. There were times when I wanted to kill him. I mean like, literally be like: “Well, Adonna, looks like I’m going be in jail and your father will be six feet under, cause I’m going to kill him.” But I think that was more of anger. When you carry a seed inside you and that seed grows and that seed becomes a human being, and the person who helped you make it doesn’t want anything to do with you or that seed, that is a very hurtful feeling. And this, basically it boils down to, how can you love a creation but not the creator? How can you do that?

JH: That’s a good question. Does it still feel as hurtful or does it seem like it got, it’s gotten easier?

AS: It’s definitely gotten easier. I think I will always be hurt. Because not only, me, I’m an adult, I can handle it, but I have a child who doesn’t have a full-time father in her life and it’s not her fault.

JH: Do you and she talk about that?

AS: No. With my daughter I feel like whatever decision that she makes about her father it will be her decision. It won’t be mine. So, my job is to encourage her. Whenever he wants to see her he can see her. When he calls, he gets to talk to her. And she’ll have to make that determination, not me. So, it’s, you know it’s funny. I mean, it’s not funny, but it’s, life is a beautiful thing. I wouldn’t be the person that I am today had I not gone through it. And it hurt like hell to have to go through though. And I wouldn’t want anyone to go through the pain and anguish and the after-effect. Because it was like, when he decided that we weren’t, when we decided we weren’t going to work it out, it was like I went through this spiral of out of controlness and I couldn’t get my life back together. And that was that was a very hard thing.

JH: What happened during that spiral?

AS: Man, let’s see. What did I want to do? I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to put my daughter on a doorstep and (to the camera)--Adonna, I love you, feelings--I’ve wanted to drop her off and not deal. I used to drink a lot to kind of numb that pain. Thank God I didn’t become an alcoholic, I just you know. There were some other traumatic things that happened to me.

JH: What’s your daughter’s name?

AS: Adonna

JH: Adonna?

AS: It means first daughter.

Disclaimer:
“Oral Narrative as History.” Students received class credit for this work, and were under the supervision of Dr. Martha Norkunas, director of “The Project in Interpreting the Texas Past.”

Every effort has been made to transcribe the audio recordings exactly. On occasion a word, or phrase, was difficult to hear and this is indicated by a question mark in brackets.

Interviewee:
Audra Sneed

Interviewer:
Johanna Hartelius

Date of Interview:
February 22, March 3, April 3, 2006

Place:
University of Texas, College of Engineering, Austin, Texas

Recording Format:
Digital video and micro cassette audio